The Joke Thread

[G7SEV]

This is the true story of Gavin Kelly of Coolock, Dublin, who was going to bed when his girlfriend told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. Gavin opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and Gavin said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and a police officer would be there when available.

Gavin said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Gavin: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Gavin said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[G7SEV]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?," said his wife.

[G7SEV]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[G7SEV]

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen. Thats all from me..... dont forget to tip your waitress!!

[jubalc]

- G7sev

[danny275]

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.

[jubalc]

Whats black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!

[01srainey]

breaking news

a rock was thrown through a window

[Ocelot]

A man went to a fight and a hockey match broke out!

Bada Bada Boom!

[Ocelot]

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge sayss "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Bada Bada Boom!

[Mac]

Q. Whats Pink and rinkley and is up in the morning?

A. Your Mum!

Bada bada boom as ocelot would say

[nani17]

[jubalc]

Q. Whats Pink and rinkley and is up in the morning?

A. Your Mum!

Bada bada boom as ocelot would say

Eeeeeehhhhhhhh !

[nani17]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[nani17]

Who's the penguin's favourite Aunt?

Aunt-artica

[01srainey]

Who's the penguin's favourite Aunt?

Aunt-artica

heard that at christmas, and i loved

how much does an obese person cost?

500 pound plus VAT (sounds like FAT)

[Swannea]

Who's the penguin's favourite Aunt?

Aunt-artica

You've been eating far too many penguin biscuits.

[Ocelot]

Who's the penguin's favourite Aunt?

Aunt-artica

You've been eating far too many penguin biscuits.

Love those bars.................thats not a joke now.

[nani17]

How does a penguin make pancakes?

With his flippers

[G7SEV]

Terrible jokes!................ just terrible