The Joke Thread

[danny275]

I'll go first

Holy Shot
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
_______________________________________________________________

Deja-Moo = The feeling you've heard this bull before


and finally...



A dyslexic man walks in to a bra

[nani17]

Heard this one the other night off an old fellow

Did you here about the maths teacher with constipation.

He worked it out with a pencil

[01srainey]

Heard this one the other night off an old fellow

Did you here about the maths teacher with constipation.

He worked it out with a pencil

thats a good one, heard it a while back, very good

[nani17]

What's the difference between a cowboy movie and a wet dream

nothing they both make you wake up shooting

[danny275]

Excerpts from a Dog's diary:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


Excerpts from a Cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......

[Mac]

Ive Got a decent one lol:
There are three brothers Tom, Dick and Harry and they all have massive ears but Dick has the biggeest ones
so one night Tom dick and harry are in the pub and dick goes to get the round and and these to girls come over to tom and harry and say my god your ears are big and tom and harry turn round and say just wait till you have seen our Dicks lmao

[Mac]

RIight lads ill be off now very tired good nght lads and god bless speak to you all tomorrow cya

[nani17]

Peace see you later

[danny275]

Guten Nochten

[Ocelot]

If i had a pair of goldfish, i would call them "One" and "Two", because if "One" died, i would still have "Two"

Bada Bada Boom!.

[01srainey]

mark, you got me with that one, i giggled for at least 17 seconds

[G7SEV]

Danny the Dog&Cat one was very good.

Ok i got a dirty one.... it might get deleted so i apolagise before hand...........................................................................................................................................................



What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?.................... Full...

[jubalc]

What did the Banana say to the doctor??

I'm not Peeling very well!

[jubalc]

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

Its becuase the parrots-it-them-all. (Paracetomal)

okay, okay, okay....I thought it was funny.

[G7SEV]

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

Its becuase the parrots-it-them-all. (Paracetomal)

okay, okay, okay....I thought it was funny.

*Cough*......... *Cough*............................................................................... lol

[01srainey]

why is old trafford so hot?

because of all the crap fans

[jubalc]

why is old trafford so hot?

because of all the crap fans

Now that was funny.....

[G7SEV]

You suck Sean......... lol

[Luc]

How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.
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Let's keep this thread decent please, anything truly offensive and we'll have to shut it down.

[01srainey]

how do you make a kitchen sink?

throw it in the ocean