The Joke Thread

[nani17]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall.....
Dam

[danny275]

I'm confused...why is the word "swam" funny

...Or did someone edit it

[Bravez]

I'm confused...why is the word "swam" funny

...Or did someone edit it

darn you nani and your powers of moderation!! it said ran dammit, ran!!

[danny275]

darn you nani and your powers of moderation!! it said ran dammit, ran!!

[nani17]

Lies it's all lies

[thombhoy]

A rangers fan goes out to drown his sorrows on hearing about all his teams financial problems. afterwards he heads home, has something to eat, then
decides to go to bed, on entering the bedroom he notices that his wife seems
fast asleep, so he slinks into bed to get the head down, then ten minutes later
he looks down towards the bottom of the bed and sees a guy standing there
wearing a white robe, Who the feck are you he says, " i'm st peter he says" i'm
not fecking dead am i says the rangers fan, " yep you choked on your vomit said st peter" your fecking joking mate, is there anything i can do to be alive again he says, " yep says st peter, you can either go back as a catholic or a hen" so the
rangers fan says ok then, can i go back to earth as a hen, " ok then a hen it is pal" the next thing he knows the rangers fan wakes up and he's a chicken in a farmyard, so he's strolling around quite happily then all of a sudden he starts to
get a strange feeling in his stomach WTF is happening he says, a big rooster
passing by says to him "you're ovulating" WTF does that mean says the rangers
fan, " it means you're about to lay an egg says the rooster" so he lays the egg
and says to the rooster "that's better i feel a sense of relief" no probs says the rooster, then ten minutes later he gets that funny feeling in his stomach again,
so he's trying to lay the egg when he gets a hit on the back of the head and he
can hear the wife shouting " Wake up you drunken bagstard, you've shit the bed again"

Edit: sorry for the layout lads, i've had a few drinks tonight

[DA77EN]

I saw a girl on the bus today who had a black eye
I was going to say something, but I thought to myself its pretty obvious she doesn't fukcing listen.

[DA77EN]

It was good Friday, where all thoughts turn to a long haired man
who died on a cross. Happy Easter, Andy Carroll.

[thombhoy]

I saw a girl on the bus today who had a black eye
I was going to say something, but I thought to myself its pretty obvious she doesn't she doesn't fukcing listen.

Now now mate

[DA77EN]

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. “What about your parents?” asks the social worker. “No, they beat me,” says the boy. “What about your grandparents?” says the social worker. “No, they beat me even harder!” says the boy. “Well … where do you want to stay then?” replies the social worker. “Tottenham,” says the boy. “They don’t beat anyone.

[DA77EN]

Many moons ago when I was at school, two of my mates were Spurs supporters. They would go to White Hart Lane and wait for about ten minutes after kick off and climb over the wall. One Saturday a policeman caught them and he made them go back in and watch the rest of the game!

[DA77EN]

I was up at Spurs and decided to get a cup of tea from the burger van, i asked the guy if he could rustle me up a cup or a mug, and he replied…… “Sorry mate no cups, they’re all at Arsenal, and the mugs are on the pitch!!

[ShadyKnight]

I said ping-pong balls not King Kong's balls....





An old one but it still cracks me up.

[nobleknight91]

-A stupid guy was asked "what do you hate the most ?"
He replied " Racism and .......black people "

-Three guys are smoking weed in a farm then the police came.They hide in three bags.
The policeman kicked the 1st bag ,the 1st smoker made the voice of the duck and policeman didn't open it
Then he kicked the 2nd bag ,the 2nd smoker made the voice of the chicken and policeman didn't open it
Finally he kicked the 3rd bag ,nothing happened......then he kicked it again and the 3rd guys came out of the bag and said "Potato......Potato ...I'm a potato........don't you understand"


-What's the def of wedding day ? It's the day that Bridegroom sees all of his bride's friends and says to himself :" I rushed !!"



-A stupid guy again went to the cinema and read "Not for under 18 "..........He went back and brought 17 of his friends

-A woman said to her husband : "Do you believe that I still dream of the day we married"
He replies "So you still get those nightmares "

[moeom]

Cristiano Ronaldo and his girlfriend are having a romantic wine-fuelled picnic on the beach. His girlfriend says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me.” Ronaldo uncorks a bottle of red wine and pours it all over her lips before kissing her. The girl says “That was wonderful Cristiano, but why the red wine?” Ronaldo replies “I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not have red meat unless I have red wine.”

The girl is mesmerised and says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me lower!” Ronaldo whips out a bottle of white wine and pours it all over the girl’s breasts, then kisses them hungrily. The girl says “Oh Cristiano, that was wonderful. But why the white wine?” Again, Ronaldo replies “I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not have white meat unless I have white wine.”

The girl, now completely in awe, says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me lower!”Ronaldo then stands the girl up and barges her back to the sand roughly. He then proceeds to eat her out like an expert. The girl, breathless, says “Cristiano, that was wonderful! But why did you barge me to the ground?” Ronaldo replies…“I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not go down unless there is sufficient contact.”