The Joke Thread

[nani17]

:o Terrible jokes!................ just terrible

[G7SEV]

:o Terrible jokes!................ just terrible

I regret nothing!!

[Mac]

You will regret after this joke:
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Swannea]

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?















Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season.

[barrym]

a strange man walks into a bar, and mutters to the bar-man "i could have any woman in here that i want", "why's that said ?" said the bar-man. "Because I'm a Rapist!!!"

[nani17]

good one

Q. How does a penguin build its house ?
A. Igloos it together

[01srainey]

a clinker there nani

[nani17]

got any jokes yourself

[01srainey]

got any jokes yourself

lets see......

What football team always goes to restuarants?

Men-u

[nani17]

love it

[Mac]

Get to be the cheesiest joke ever now i see why you dont post many jokes

[nani17]

Harsh Mac Harsh

[barrym]

a dyslexic walks into a bra..........................
Terrible!!

[nani17]

Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

[jubalc]

Those penguin jokes have taken it too far...

[danny275]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[barrym]

What's brown & sticky?
- A stick

[iboshow]

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

~

Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

~
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.


Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to re place it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but thereis an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you! the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

[01srainey]

Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

ha

[nani17]

Q. What's black and white and has eight wheels ?
A. A penguin on skates